Anyone for Elephant polo in Thailand?
There are strict rules for elephant polo. For instance, elephants are not allowed to lie down in the goal-mouth or to pick up the ball with their trunks.
You may laugh in disbelief, but elephant polo is a serious sport in Southeast Asia.
A World Elephant Polo Association was established in Nepal in 1982 and the rules were agreed on then. Well, you'd have to have strict rules, wouldn't you, with 5000kg steeds thundering around the field.
My favourite is Rule No 13: Pick-me-ups - Sugar-cane or rice balls packed with vitamins (molasses and rock salt) shall be given to the elephants at the end of each match, and a cold beer or soft drink to the elephant drivers, and not vice versa.
There are regular tournaments, of which the best-known is the Kings Cup Elephant Polo Tournament held every September in Hua Hin, about 200km south of Bangkok. This year the 14 teams competing will include one from New Zealand, with former All Blacks as drivers.
To see how these enormous beasts play the game, I decided to climb aboard and give it a go at an elephant park just outside Hua Hin. Rickety steps led to a makeshift treehouse where our big grey carriage was waiting. We sat two abreast on a flimsy looking seat secured only by a long strap around the girth.
The guide told us to stretch a seatbelt across our laps and buckle up. I wasn't sure whether the belt would save us if things turned ugly and our stead fancied a gallop, but before I had time to consider my options we started to lope along the dirt road.
The mahout (driver) was perched in front of us on the big leathery neck and used his bare feet to steer by pushing the oversized ears left or right and shouting commands only a Thai elephant can understand.
These men are elephant trainers and have been caring for their charges since birth. At four years old, the elephant is ready to be trained, for in Thailand elephants are treated as working animals.
We ambled past temples and up dusty tracks while I imagined leaning over the side with a long polo stick trying to hit a tiny ball below.
Eventually we came to a swampy pool and our colossal carriage walked down the steep, muddy track and into the water. Soon his trunk became a snorkel as the water crept up to his eyes and we had to lift our feet off his coarsely-haired back so they wouldn't get wet.
I turned to see how the rest were going, to find that this wasn't just a drinking hole for thirsty elephants but doubled as the "lavatory". Suffice it to say that the others stayed on the bank until we reached the far side and our exhaust had cleared.
When our journey ended I bought for 20 baht ($1) a bunch of bananas to thank my big grey friend for the educational ride. He delicately removed each one from my hand with the tip of his trunk and popped it into his mouth.
Unfortunately, despite their size and cleverness, the future for elephants is not secure. Only about 4400 of these national icons remain in Thailand. About 2000 have been domesticated, meaning they are often left to aimlessly roam towns and villages while their mahout looks for work.
Bored elephants get into trouble and damage gardens. Hence the tournament to raise money for the National Elephant Institute of Thailand, which looks after elephants and their habitat.
Each team has three elephants, each with their own mahout and rider, and they play on a pitch a third of the size of a regular polo field in two 10-minute chukkers.
New Zealand will be represented by a team led by former All Black Stu Wilson.
"When we started in 2001 we had just six teams and it was more of a weekend knockaround than a tournament," says tournament organiser Christopher Stafford. "Now, we have 14 teams plus a waiting list, a seven-day event that is broadcast around the world, and the tournament is ranked as the sixth largest event on the Thai tourism calendar."